The Lunix Shop

(With profound apologies to Monty Python)

(A customer walks in the door.)

CUSTOMER:  Good Morning.

OWNER:  Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Lunix Emporium!

CUSTOMER:  Ah, thank you, my good man.

OWNER:  What can I do for you, sir?

CUSTOMER:  Well, I was, uh, sitting at my WindBlows computer on Torvalds Street just now, skimming through "The Cathedral and the Bizarre" by Erik the Redmond, and I suddenly came over all Unix.

OWNER:  Unix, sir?

CUSTOMER:  O'Reillyish.


CUSTOMER:  Ee, Ah wor 'OSS!

OWNER:  Ah, Open Source Software!

CUSTOMER:  In a Nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little Lunix will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Redmonding activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some Torvaldian software!

OWNER:  Come again?

CUSTOMER:  I want to buy some Lunix.

OWNER:  Oh, I thought you were complaining about the MP3 player!

CUSTOMER:  Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean Muse!

OWNER:  Sorry?

CUSTOMER:  'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

OWNER:  So it can go on playing, can it?

CUSTOMER:  Most certainly! Now then, some Lunix please, my good man.

OWNER:  (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

CUSTOMER:  Well, how about a little RedHate Lunix?

OWNER:  I'm, afraid we're fresh out of RedHate, sir.

CUSTOMER:  Oh, never mind, how are you on Mandreck?

OWNER:  I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

CUSTOMER:  Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four copies of Corblimey Lunix, if you please.

OWNER:  Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it in this morning.

CUSTOMER:  It's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bastille Lunix?

OWNER:  Sorry, sir.

CUSTOMER:  BlueSturm Lunix?

OWNER:  Normally, sir, yes. Today the delivery truck broke down.

CUSTOMER:  Ah! Pygmalion Lunix?

OWNER:  Sorry.

CUSTOMER:  EnochPowell Lunix? NotMad Lunix?


CUSTOMER:  Any Norwegian Mad Penguin Lunix, perchance?


CUSTOMER:  Dubious?


CUSTOMER:  Slack-my-girdleware?


CUSTOMER:  Skygrate?


CUSTOMER:  Troubleware?


CUSTOMER:  BendOver, Yelling Dog, Phart Lunix, RotLunix, BlueCrap, Black Crap, DefNot, SODLunix?


CUSTOMER:  ScaldRear Open, perhaps?

OWNER:  Ah! We have ScaldRear Open, yessir.

CUSTOMER:  (Surprised) You do! Excellent.

OWNER:  Yessir. It's… ah... it's a bit runny...

CUSTOMER:  Oh, I like it runny.

OWNER:  Well... It's very runny, actually, sir.

CUSTOMER:  No matter. Fetch hither the Lunix de la Orem, Utah! Mmmwah!

OWNER:  I... think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

CUSTOMER:  I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

OWNER:  Oooooooooohhh...

CUSTOMER:  What now?

OWNER:  The cat's eaten it.

CUSTOMER:  Has he?

OWNER:  She, sir.


CUSTOMER:  E-DeathTrap?


CUSTOMER:  Norwegian Blue?

OWNER:  Oh, yes sir. And you get a free penguin with it.


CUSTOMER:  'Ello, Miss?

OWNER:  What do you mean, "Miss"?

CUSTOMER:  I'm sorry; I've got a virus. I wish to make a complaint!

OWNER:  We're closin' for lunch.

CUSTOMER:  Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Lunix what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

OWNER:  Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue... What's, er... What's wrong with it?

CUSTOMER:  I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It won't work after I install it, that's what's wrong with it!

OWNER:  Oh no sir. It's just waiting.

CUSTOMER:  Waiting? Waiting for what, pray tell?

OWNER:  Useful applications, sir.

CUSTOMER:  Not much of an operating system then is it?

OWNER:  Oh yes it is sir. It's very popular around here. It's so stable sir. Nobody uses WindBlows much any more. It crashes all the time.

CUSTOMER:  Well what bloody use is it if I can't get any work done?

OWNER:  You could try writing a Knit one Perl one script to download ScarOrifice from the Inter-knit. That's what we all do sir.

CUSTOMER:  Oh, all right then.


CUSTOMER:  Well that was totally bloody useless! It munged every Weird and Expel file I opened with it. And it stopped my Wanky Tokay from booting!

OWNER:  I'm so sorry sir. My brother in Cairo has a copy of Whirred PurrFect Orifice he can sell you.

CUSTOMER:  Cairo, eh? Oh very well.

(The customer leaves. Pause. The customer enters the same shop. The owner is putting on a fake moustache.)

CUSTOMER:  This is Cairo is it?

OWNER:  No, it's Chicago.

CUSTOMER:  That's intercity train travel for you.

(The customer goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)

CUSTOMER:  I wish to complain, railway-type person.


CUSTOMER:  I beg your pardon…

ATTENDANT:  I'm a MicroSerf Certified Systems Engineer! I only do this job because I like being my own boss.

CUSTOMER:  Excuse me. Is this relevant?

ATTENDANT:  Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these Python scripts out to 200 lines, you know.

CUSTOMER:  Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Cairo train and found myself deposited here in Chicago.

ATTENDANT:  No, this is Boston.

CUSTOMER:  The Lunix shop man's brother was lying!!

ATTENDANT:  Can't blame Amtrak for that.

CUSTOMER:  In that case, I shall return to the Lunix shop!

(He does.)

CUSTOMER:  I understand this is Boston.

OWNER:  (still with the fake moustache) Yes?

CUSTOMER:  You told me it was Chicago!

OWNER:  It was a pun.

CUSTOMER:  (pause) A PUN?!?

OWNER:  No, no... not a pun... What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

CUSTOMER:  (Long pause) A palindrome?

OWNER:  Yeah, that's it!

CUSTOMER:  It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Boston" would be "Notsob"!! It don't work!!

OWNER:  Well! What do you want?

CUSTOMER:  I'm not prepared to pursue Lunix any longer as I think this is getting too silly! I'm going back to wearing a Macintosh. Or a dark brown overcoat.

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TC Jonathan Sturm 2000 - 2011

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